Recently, I've begun wondering about partners, significant others, soulmates. Whichever you refer to them as, they each have one or two things in common. You feel deeply connected to them, and (generally) feel ecstatic to have them in your life. But we all feel differently about the specifications of this special group of people. To dig deeper and to gain a different perspective, I brought it to the table for the BPD Vixens to poke at. The responses I gained below were insightful, thoughtful, and relatable AF.
To be honest, as much of an independent woman as I am, I tend to lean towards "traditional" gender roles. I like rugged looking men who are bigger than me, who are handy, self motivated, and a gentleman. This derives from the fact that I am very much a tomboy, have less of an emotional response to things, and have interests that lean more towards a male demographic. Basically I look for a boyfriend who is "manlier" than me. It's to compensate for the fact that I'm not dainty or fragile, so I feel the need to offset those characteristics.
- Boo, D.C.
What I typically look for in a significant other is someone I can connect with on a deeper level; with whom I can have conversations about meaningful things; who has a good sense of humor; who is adventurous. I look for a good quality person that isn't just focused on the material things in life, but spirituality, love, and family.
- Brittany, Alexandria
Someone who can make me laugh and I can truly relax and be myself around. Someone who can make me smile on my darkest days. Someone honest and loyal. Also, someone who my son and dogs approve of - they can be the best judges of character.
- Stephanie, Northamptonshire
For me, the connection is what sets everyone apart. I've dated men that were good guys but something was missing. The instant I met my current boyfriend I knew he was so different. We connected in a way I've never experienced before. He became my best friend, we couldn't go a day without talking to each other. He gave me advice, he listened, and he seemed to genuinely care about my well being— something that I hadn't fully experienced before. He makes me laugh constantly and instantly knows how to calm me down if I'm having a bad day.
Also, I think it's very telling of a person how they handle themselves in different situations. My boyfriend and I were long distance for 2.5 years and we've been through more than a lot of people have been through in a lifetime, but he never used that as an opportunity to leave. He never gave up and that's when I realized he was the one.
He's the male version of me and I've never been so comfortable with anyone before. I date people for a reason and if I can't see a future with them then to me it's pointless....but my boyfriend now, without a doubt, I would spend the rest of my life with him.
- Alisha, Toronto
In a relationship, I look for a partner and best friend. We enjoy doing things together. Someone who is honest and whose demons dance well with mine.
- Chelle, Tacoma
For me, I have to agree with Alisha. It's all about connections and the first few times you really look at each other. I mean, you might have seen each other in passing or have known of each other but suddenly there's this moment when you really step back and look. You just feel it. I like to believe in that forever type of love, but sometimes love meets you when you're not ready.
When you have that connection though it's everything. You laugh till you cry, enjoy the simplicity of each other's company. Connect emotionally, physically, intellectually...they just fit. So it's worth the wait.
My absolute favourite story of a couple meeting is Stephen Colbert and his wife. I'm always looking for my sneeze in the middle of first looks.
- Cori, Toronto
The older I've gotten, the more I realize I need to pay attention to my actual feelings when I meet someone. It touches slightly on something both Alisha and Cori said. I feel like I met my soul mate, but I wasn't ready at the time and due to certain things....I let him go. I have yet to feel the same way with someone since then (including the man I married) With that said, I look for an intimate connection. One that's subjective to each and every person. I look for the feeling you get in the pit of your stomach every time that person looks at you. The flutters you get when they touch or brush your hand. Obviously, someone that can make me laugh is important. Someone that I can have long conversations with or just sit in silence and it not be awkward. A man that, in my moments of weakness, can be my strength and shrug it off because he doesn't know how to handle it. Those things would seal the deal.
- Trinity, Rosamond
Someone who makes your insides spark.
- Felicia, Philadelphia
I believe we've all met our soul mates at some point and the moment hasn't been right for the both of you. I met mine when I was 15 years old. He passed away in 2008. We were both dating other people, but the last time I saw him I remember hugging him and telling him how much I was proud of him and how much I loved him. I haven't been able to connect or feel that same way I did about him and it's not because I haven't tried. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I'm a hopeless romantic, but its just not the same. I don't know... it's such a hard feeling to describe.
I look for someone who can make my dark days brighter without even having to say anything in particular, someone who can make me laugh until I cry, someone who will push me to go for my dreams especially when I feel I'm not good enough. I look for someone that you can look into their eyes and just know how they feel about you. Someone who can handle my weird and be even weirder with me.
- Ashley, Brisbane
I am pretty independent myself, so I need a man that isn't going to feel like he needs to do everything for me. An attraction to his looks is obviously a necessity, I like a man that it's bigger than me, has facial hair, tattoos and dark hair. Looks aren't key to wanting a man for the rest of my life. I need a man that is compassionate, funny, smart and as goofy/spontaneous as I can be.
Communication is a BIG thing for me. I feel like a lot of relationships lack that (including some of my past ones) and that's why they come to an end.
My man needs to feel comfortable telling me anything that is on his mind-good or bad- so I can come to a better understanding on things he's worried or passionate about. Goes the other way around too, he needs to listen to me as well so we are both on the same level.
- Lindsey, Toronto
A beard obviously! And I have such a massive thing for manly hands. Some big working man's hands just really do something for me. If you're taller than me (I'm 5"8 ) it's a plus because it makes me feel small and ladylike because I've always towered over most men (as I like to wear 6-inch heels on the regular). I think I like someone who, although I can take care of myself, is thoughtful enough to want to take care of me as well (I must have the princess complex!). I like someone who has a zest for life and loves to do exciting things and is always up for an adventure. But above all else, I look for a sense of humour. Looks fade, but a connection with someone is forever!
- Tiffany, Buckinghamshire
As I get older, the looks itself become less and less important. I do treasure the physical connection a lot, but lately I've realized that sometimes the physical connection comes from an intellectual match as well, and never the other way around. So I truly value someone whose values and ideas are similar to mine. Also, trust is essential. Mutual trust, friendship, and companionship. I also enjoy my freedom and independence and I want someone independent as well. And most importantly: someone that's willing to stick with me through the bad moments as well.
- Luiza, Belo Horizonte